Sundays always seem to come back to reflection, I must say. I honestly can’t put my finger exactly on why that is, but it’s definitely a theme.
I had a rough week this week, productivity-wise. Allowed myself to be pretty burned out from the travel weekend, indulged in the feeling of being wiped out from some legit workouts, and then was distracted throughout the weekend with Liz’s mom in town. Meaning *I* was distracted, not in any way that they were distracting me. So yeah…I let myself be unfocused and unmotivated.
It wasn’t an unmitigated disaster. I spent some quality time with my fiancé and soon-to-be mother-in-law, especially today with a great agility session for Coops, and an impromptu lunch at a cafe down the street (so good). I did get some serious work done on the script. And, I did get some work done editing-wise. It just wasn’t as much as I had set out for myself, and that’s invariably frustrating.
Tonight, I had the chance before me to kind of recover from a day that got way-laid, but I decided instead to work out. I didn’t yesterday, beyond an hour session of the cardio-flexibility-related stuff, so I needed to today, or reap the pain come Wednesday of not having stuck with the schedule. I can’t build upon gains if I’m not sticking with the schedule, you see. In other words, missing a work out isn’t something you can “make up” at a later date. It kind of sets you back to where you were, and you have to build all over again. So, I did that, and it was a very solid workout. The best I’ve ever done with this particular p90x dvd, in fact. And, I know I can do even better next time, too. Push a little harder.
So, here I sit, “behind” on my writing, behind on my editing, and feeling very much like I need a few days off stress-free, OR a crazy-ass productive week next week to catch up. And, guess what I’m going to choose? Yup. Craziness.
This marathon only works if I keep a steady pace, right? So, this coming week will NOT be a sprint. But it will be a lot. This is the last week of June, and I want to end strong. I have no distractions this coming week, which is exactly what I need.
5 overall days of editing.
Second draft of my pilot (the most ambitious goal of all, to be sure).
Four days of working out, two with Matt.
That’s my week. I can do it.
I often wonder if I will look back on these entries and think to myself, “why so work-obsessed?” It’s like a switch I don’t know how to turn off. All I know is how good it feels to reach these goals I so often talk about on these pages, and how reassuring it is to go back and read entries like this one about “failure,” and then read on a few days later to see how victory was reached.
At the very least, I do feel as though I’m learning about myself, and what works, and what doesn’t. Ie- that doing less more often actually CAN work for me. That, it is possible for me to feel happy and calm day in and day out by making my present a fulfilling place to be. This weekend, for example, taught me that any trips out of town, or house guests coming to visit must be given a wide berth work-wise. I need to plan ahead for that, get the editing work done in ADVANCE, plan AROUND it, and I can avoid what happened this past week. Yes, it is all my fault, but therein lies the solution: me. I can plan for it next time. Do better.
I suppose, guys, really the reason I write about all this stuff so often is that it’s the most vulnerable side of me, and I’ve apparently made some sort of pact with myself that I would never bullshit about what’s going on with me on these blog entries. If I fail to do something, I’m going to write about it, not hide it. And, this is all the stuff that stresses me out, makes me insecure, or wonder if I’ll ever find all of what it takes to get where I want to go in life.
I don’t know if that’s hard to relate to, or not. I am in a unique position, trying to be a writer and an actor down here in LA, and I mean that in terms of the rest of the world. There are literally hundreds I know or have at least been in some sort of personal casual contact with that are precisely in the same position that I am, trying to make it happen in hollywood. But I’m also one of the only people left in my circle of friends to still be doing this. I’ve seen those dear to me decide to get on with other aspects of their lives…and to be honest, that fact makes me feel like the choice to be a creative professional a rather self-indulgent one. I don’t really know how to reconcile that. I can’t really say that I’m filling the role as a story-teller, and that we need story-tellers, because although that is absolutely true, we do need them, I’m not actually doing that yet, am I? I mean, I’m trying, but until I have something to show for it, it’s really just an exploration of myself, isn’t it? Me talking about me.
I don’t know…I don’t know how to fix that, except to keep going and actually achieve what I make my goals for. Long term, and short term. It’s not all self-indulgent bullshit if I do what I say I’m going to do, right? Which is why this past week must fade into the past, and this new week must become something different and new.
I will leave with that thought. That I wish this week to be different, and new. And, that USA almost killed me today with that impossibly late goal to Portugal, and that the A’s also let a miracle win slip through their fingers with a lucky swat from the ever-Dangerous Big Papi.
Good night!