Today was a little rough to start with. I got distracted with some other work…but I rallied, yo! Rallied on the editing work, and I feel like my feet are back on the ground right now having finished a very respectable amount of work. An amount, in fact, that I believe by tomorrow, I should be able to be fully caught up from whence I slipped behind today. In plain english…disaster averted 😛
I am, however, freaking exhausted. It was a little taxing, this sending of the draft out amongst my peers. It brought up some pretty intense feelings of inadequacy and fear…some of which I covered last night, and more of which I probably *could* write about, but I won’t. It’s pretty simply summed up with insecurity and negativity and the various frustrations and hopeless feelings that those bring.
I guess what I’m saying is that I mostly just feel inexperienced. I haven’t really done this yet, you know? It’s change, it’s different, and it’s outside of my comfort zone. But, I’m not going to let that stop me. The only way to get where I want to be, the only way to improve, is to let those feelings pass, to recover from their effects as quickly as possible and move on.
So, move forward I shall. Today was an exercise in that, I suppose. Tomorrow will be another step as the writing continues. I didn’t write today. First time in a long time, actually…and I mean that thought in a positive way, not a negative. I’ve finally found a rhythm with writing in screenplay format. I dig it. I’ve also been thinking about classes…I think about the toolbox I have for writing, and I find it to be rather lacking. Or, perhaps not classes, but reading? I’d really love something on effective dialogue…that’s really where I feel so deficient. Motivations I feel so-so on, and macro plot and character arcs I feel fairly confident on…but all of that depends on execution, you know? And execution, where the rubber meets the road, is all in those scenes, yo. That’s what I want to become good at, because the ability to write a fucking badass incredible scene is like a super power.
Anywho, the struggle continues! Some day, you guys…some day I will feel more confident about myself as a writer. Really, I will. I’m not by nature the super self-doubting a neurotic type that has trouble looking at their own work…I just have that problem when I don’t feel like my work is very good year 😛 I look forward to that day of deserved confidence. May it come some time soon.
In the meantime, I’ll have to settle for being in love with the *potential* of my stories, and working my ass off to get them as far along that path as I can.
That’s what I got tonight. Watched a little bit of DS9…again, pleasantly surprised to learn that it’s not stale even though I put it on as work noise last year out of order. Voyager…I think that will be fine, too, actually but we’ll see. Voyager is definitely not as strong as DS9. Enterprise I’m weirdly looking forward to putting on, since it’s a show I’m really not that familiar with. I did watch it with my good friend Ernie once upon a time, over the course of a couple years…but that was a while ago and I’d only ever seen those episodes once. We’ll see how it goes. Figuring I’ll be in that territory around christmas time.
Good night!