I felt small today. And worthless.
I had big plans, big dreams today, and I couldn’t reach them. I feel like I haven’t been completely honest lately about how much I’ve struggled to write. Maybe I have, and I just don’t just remember 😛 That is definitely possible…but it’s not quite the point. Tonight, I feel like I haven’t come clean. Maybe it’s because the Ho and I just watched I, Tanya and, well…guys, I’m not saying I put a hit out on some more-successful writer’s wrists…but the idea of ‘coming clean’ did at least occur to me as I watched that movie. It’s excellent, by the way.
I don’t have any big secret…I simply haven’t talked enough about how hard writing has been this year. And I’m feeling both the shame today of not having written, and the shame of saying I’ve had “good days” when I know I really haven’t. I haven’t had a solid, good-from-beginning-to-end writing day in…I can’t even remember when. Perhaps since I started writing this book. It’s been a slog from day one.
And “slog” feels like a perfect way to describe it, in fact. I feel like I’m stuck in the mud with a concussion. It’s hard for me to see, hard for me to focus, and I can’t seem to GO anywhere. Everything is foggy, I check my phone constantly…I can’t even seem to READ my book. Even when I cranked through the book to get it finished, I felt like that. I’ve never found the RHYTHM of this fucking thing…and that freaking terrifies me. It makes me feel small. And worthless. Like I’m never going to figure it out.
I don’t have solutions here tonight, guys. I wish I did. I have a deadline next week, and I’m terrified I’m not going to be able to hit it. If I don’t rally in the next couple days, I won’t hit it, and I’ll be letting my editor down for the second time.
I also don’t really feel like diving into WHY I feel like this, because I know why. It’s fear. It’s pressure. It’s insecurity. And it’s rustiness. I feel like “rust” is a huge part of it, that my work discipline has been so sporadic and all over the place ever since deciding to this full time, that I’ve never buried myself deep enough into the work to just lose myself inside of it and stop THINKING and ANALYZING. I sit in front of my keyboard and I just SIT there, knowing that what’s there is broken and not sure how to fix it. That, right there, is writer freeze. I’m not sure I’ve ever had it as much as I’ve had it this year.
What I am interested in is fucking fixing it. I’ve had my decent days. Not enough of them strung together to give me any confidence, but I have had them…I need one tomorrow. So, how do I do that? It’s more than scheduling hours on calendar. it’s more than making sure I feed myself. It’s more than rewarding myself for getting work done. It’s more. I need to do more.
I need…to start smaller. I need to building momentum, and I need to stop thinking about that deadline next week. I need determination. I need grit. I need willpower.
Okay…here’s an idea: I don’t have a phone tomorrow. From the second I wake up to when I (hopefully) collapse tomorrow night. No phone calls. No internet. No instagram, no facebook. Nothing. What does that do? It banks on the fact that if I force myself to just SIT IN FRONT OF MY BOOK I will work on it…that if I sit with myself long enough, I’ll remember who I am and what I can do.
And if I can’t write…a 10 minute break to journal about it, or I have to do something like take a walk.
No basketball tomorrow night. It doesn’t fucking matter.
And…I get to listen to Star Trek Deep Space Nine all day in the background. It can’t all be hard, right? Offering myself a carrot instead of a stick was key to me breaking through the editing funk back in 2013.
See? I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE UUUGGGHHHHHH…and I prevailed. THIS. IS. NO. DIFFERENT.
I can get so much done in a day…jesus. I just need to DO it.
I won’t take any sympathy for this post…but I will take your encouragement. I am not small. I can do this.