It was hot again today…but cooler than it’s been! 🙂
Liz and I were able to take the pups out together for a nice, long, full walk for the first time in two days. It was still warm, like 85º with the sun down, but that’s a hot hell of a lot better than triple digits.
I still feel out of whack.
I think it’s because of the weird sleep patterns, but I also think it’s because I’m about to finish my book. That just feels right. It’s a big, new step, finishing this rough draft.
I had some good ideas today about the next draft. It’s a fairly major overhaul for the first of what (I think) will be the two books. I’ll essentially be rewriting 2/3s of it. BUT…I then get to keep probably most of the next book, which will just need a normal rewrite pass.
Sigh.
It’s A LOT of work to write a book, guys. Good lord. So much work. But, it is actually work I love. Genuinely. Even though it stresses me the fuck out…I do really love it.
I didn’t used to get anxious. I wouldn’t actually say I’m that anxious of a person now, because I’m not. I know I talk about my anxiety on here, but that’s because writing about my angst helps me process it and move on from it. But, I definitely am more anxious than I used to be.
It started in my 20s. Creativity before that was rather effortless. Granted, it was also more rudimentary, more crude. I wonder if my anxiety around creation developed simply because I learned the different between excellence and failure. Perhaps. But, I also know that our bodies change in our 20s, particularly the chemistry of our brains. It was in my 20s that I realized things were different – I got stressed out more by things that used to just give me unconstrained joy. That definitely isn’t to say that, for example, my writing doesn’t give me joy any more…it’s just different. I can remember what it was like before, and it’s different now.
I’m not sure exactly what made me go through that tonight in this entry, but I guess it was on my mind as I face finishing a big step in my novel writing.
One of the most amazing things about writing this journal of thoughts every day, is that I know what was on my mind for any given day of the past 4+ years, including the last time that I was approaching a major rewrite of a novel…and the feelings are remarkably similar: anxiety, feeling overwhelmed by the work, fearing that the work will never be done.
It will be done.
And it will be good enough.
I know, because I’ve been here before. I have it written down for me in black and white.
So…I take heart in that. Trust the process.
Tomorrow, we write.
Good night 🙂
PS – the Ho and I watched Annihilation, which is the SciFi movie from earlier this year with Natalie Portman that got a decent amount of positive buzz. I…did not like it. But, more on that when I (eventually) write the review for it!
Artwork tonight is from Mariusz Lewandowski.