I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid that I will set a goal, set a timeline, and as has happened so many times before with my writing, I will not meet it. I’ll fall short.
I’m also afraid of success. If I succeed, then expectations follow. Responsibilities. Pressure. As another author friend, further along the path than I said: you can’t lose an audience if you don’t have one yet.
People scoff at the idea of being afraid of success, but that shit is real. Trust me. It may manifest itself more as “stress” than “insecurity” or depression, but it is real.
I set out a schedule today. It’s insanely ambitious not in that it’s impossible to accomplish. It’s quite possible, actually. What’s insanely ambitious about it is that I haven’t managed to put in the amount of time necessary to get it done in the time I’ve scheduled. It’s terra incognita for me…and so it scares me.
But, here goes, I’m trying a few new things:
I’m going to try writing in a work space away from home. And not a coffee shop, or the cafeteria space of the neighborhood Ralph’s. No, an actual co-working space with real chairs, WiFi, and tea. I’m going to set myself some real “business” hours.
I’m also going through a very defined, very step-by-step process that I’ve actually done before. ONCE before…but it’s not brand-new. It’s methodical, and it works. It takes the steps of *fixing* a book and breaks them down into such tiny morsels that all you have to do is trust the process and keep working…and you’re going to come out on the other end with a vastly, vastly superior story. I feel like that’s just what I need right now.
Now, granted, the first time I did this process, it took me over eight months. AND…I hated it. Despised it. BUT…and this is a big one…I know that a major part of that loathing was because I’d never done it before, and because of that, I doubted whether or not all the work was going to pay off.
It did.
Starstuff is the book it is because of this process. It WORKS.
I also couldn’t bring myself to work for more than an hour or so at a time. I was working a full time job, taking care of the building, AND writing back then. Right now I only have two of those things to worry about.
It.
Can.
Be.
Done.
…I’m just afraid. And emboldened. But also afraid.
Fear is usually a sign of growth and change. It’s a reaction to stepping outside the “comfort zone.” Fear is a good thing. It keeps us safe, yes…but it’s also a sign that we’re doing something right.
I can do this. I will do this.
Tomorrow: I write some chapters for my novella, and I grapple with my feelings of fear and excitement. Wish me luck.
Good night!