I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to my writing. News flash, I know 😂
That’s something about me and my process that I’ve learned I have to accept. It’s not ever going to go away. Various stages and cycles within my writing process will always cause me anxiety.
I’m feeling it right now because I’m moving into a new phase of my novel rewrite, and I’m definitely feeling the resistance, the peck peck peck of anxiety that makes me just want to shut down and do nothing.
I pushed through that today in the evening. I failed in the morning. Part of that morning failure was a late night, but then again, that was also my own choice, a dilemma of my own making. It was also anxiety and resistance.
But…
I know what it is.
I do. And I know that if I just push through these feelings of “stop! Run away! Go to sleep!” aside, on the other end of those feelings and the time spent actually working through the mechanics of this new phase of the rewrite…there is a groove over there. There is confidence, and productivity. My finished book is on the other side of these feelings.
So.
I’m going to bed on time tonight. I’m going to get up on time tomorrow, and I’m going to put my butt in that chair tomorrow morning, and I’m going to write for an hour before work. And I’m going to repeat that in the evening after work, and then again the following morning, and on and on until I push through the anxiety and find that groove again, that confidence, that productivity.
It’s disheartening to realize that nothing ever takes the anxiety away.
But fuck if it isn’t also empowering. It helps me realize that it’s not insurmountable, this feeling of exhaustion and failure. It’s actually normal, and everyone who’s creative deals with their own version of it.
It’s just part of the process.
I must push through.
Good night.
Ps – work was solid today, I have the time extension I think I need to finish my stuff on time, AND…we had a great couples dinner tonight with our new friends and colleagues Kenny and Murray. Truly, a wonderful time 🙂 Night!