Feeling better!
I did indeed stay home from work today, but I’ve been fever-free for over twelve hours now. Add in a truly massive nap from around 11am to 4pm and I feel like a new man!
If only the feelings about writing were any better…
I’m having a full on crisis, my friends. I don’t know what I’m doing with my writing. I really don’t. And I don’t know what to do about it. I feel kinda broken, if I’m being honest. I broke myself. Beat myself down.
I’m worried that it’s a pattern of self-sabotage. I know that it is at least when it comes to regular productivity; I get 90% of the way there, and then I allow myself to slip. To back off.
Is that what I’m doing here with my second book? I don’t know.
I know that I haven’t felt ‘engaged’ with it from the moment I sat down to write it. It wasn’t like that with the first book. The first book was different. It felt good from day one. To varying degrees, yes–it was a hell of a rewrite process–but the core of it always felt different. It was clear.
I think that’s why I decided last week or so to try and write something else, anything else. See if I could learn some lessons from another project and circle back. But fuck me if it doesn’t feel like failure. And I think failure is what’s sucking the soul out of me right now. Why try if you’re a failure, you know?
Look, deep down I truly do know I’m not a failure. At least I think I do. I haven’t failed at a lot of things. But this…I do feel like I’m failing right now, at this. And it hurts.
I don’t know what to do about it.
I’m a plan guy. I like making a plan and executing it. I feel like I haven’t been able to do that in so fucking long. Good lord. I know that would make me feel better. Just a win in general would make me feel better.
So, what’s the plan to get me out of this shit hole?
I honestly don’t know…