I went back to work today. It’s always hard to do that after a long vacation…
This wasn’t that hard. I was ready, actually. Ready to get back to work.
Don’t get me wrong, I was tired. Getting up “on time” felt like slow torture, but I did it. And I worked for a full day. Came home, watched a little bit of (depressing) A’s baseball, went back to “work” to post the rest of all the LIVE! Film School episodes to the Patreon, which once I get the “cutting room floor” episodes up tomorrow will be fully caught up and stocked for the flood of supporters I know is coming 😜
Then I played a lone level of Mario because I’d been pining to do so, took Coops out for nighttime pee (Coco is currently with Liz over at the Kings’ house), and jumped into the shower for a nice, warm shower.
I’m so fresh and so clean right now. It feels glorious.
Coops just came up onto the bed.
I have to confess, I feel very, very disconnected from my writing. I took a break from it because I was feeling overwhelmed. I’m not going to kid myself about. Yes, I did need to buckle down and get these Story Grid materials worked through and finished (almost done – end of next week, I should have them complete). That is absolutely true, and I weren’t doing that work during my writing sessions before and after work, I honestly don’t know where I would have done them…
…but…
it was also because I was scared, anxious, drained, whatever and etc. of failing at my writing.
I don’t know if I’m over that yet. But I do know that I am feeling very guilty about taking off the gas for the past month. And I don’t like feeling guilty.
This time, rather than setting some arbitrary goal for myself like “I’m going to start writing for 5 minutes every day, even when I have to be doing other stuff,” I’m instead going to try what my therapist has suggested: engaging with that voice in my head that’s beating me down for not writing for so long, having a discussion with the part of me that’s riddled with guilt and insecurity.
So, guilty me: Why are you making me feel like this right now?
Because I know you want to write, and guilt can be a good motivator.
I guess so in the right context, but I’m not even sure then. JOY is a good motivator. Not guilt. Inspiration and even just a calm, confident determination work every time.
You haven’t been feeling much joy or inspiration lately, bud.
You’re right about that, but you’re not right about the solution. Making me feel bad isn’t going to bring me joy or determination.
But, isn’t it natural to feel guilty for not having done what you say you love so much? It’s been a month. A MONTH. Isn’t it normal to feel guilty about that?
Normal sure sounds like a judgement to me. Why are you judging me? How does that help me?
Outside perspective-
But you’re not outside of me. Are you? You’re in my own head. And what use is it to dwell on what’s happened and not focus on right now? I can’t control what I’ve done in the past; it’s done.
But you should have controlled it. That’s my point.
The only thing that makes me feel like is a failure.
Maybe you should.
No. No, I shouldn’t. Because it’s only feeling like a failure that ever makes me fail. And that’s on you, you goddamn liar. You lie to me and you tell me that I’m a failure, and when I’m at my weakest, I listen to you. But I’m not weak. And I won’t listen to you.
So, then what are you going to do? Right now. If you’re so focused on the present?
I’m going to decide that away from you. I don’t have to answer that question to you.
Good night.