So much of my self-worth is wrapped up in what I create.

I started doing a daily “mood” journal. I assign a number value 1-10 for how I’m feeling that day, and I have a color assigned to each of those numbers, and I draw out a graph into a moleskine journal so I can visually see at a glance how I’ve been feeling for the past couple weeks.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s something I’m going to do forever, but right now I like it. Even though it’s been spotty in terms of me filling it out every day. I’m not worried about that. It’ll click when it clicks. If it clicks.

But, I really noticed something tonight, looking at the colors. Three of them dominate, and they represent the numbers 5, 6, and 7. 90% (unscientific) of them are a 5, a 6, or a 7. Out of 10.

I thought about why that is. I’ve only hit “8” once, and never 9 or 10. The numbers are the green colors. I’ve been doing it for almost a full month now. I’ve never used the green ones.

Why not? Why so low?

The answer is: because I’ve been feeling shitty about my writing. I haven’t been writing.

That made me think about a question my therapist asked me: what if my feeling of self worth wasn’t so tied to my creativity? What if there were other things in my life that made me feel equally confident, satisfied, and happy about my day?

That feels like such an obvious question with an obvious answer: of course I should have more self worth outside of my writing. Writing is hard. That shit can drag you down if you invest too much of yourself into it.

But here I am. I realizing how much of myself I invest into my projects. And when my projects are stressful, I am stressed out and unhappy.

Maybe there can be more separation there. Maybe if there were, I would even be happier doing those things.

I don’t really know how to get to that place…

…but I’m going to think about it.

Good night!