I feel like I’ve been more emotional lately in my day to day.
Actually, scratch that. That’s not what I feel. What I feel is that I’m more in tune with the emotions that I’ve always been feeling. And rather than judging them or fixating on them, I’m doing better at recognizing that they’re there and sitting with them.
That is hard.
It’s particularly hard with the more anxiety-ridden feelings and thoughts.
I was in the shower tonight, and thinking about my day, and how I’ve been feeling very raw this week, very uncomfortable–and I know exactly why, and this is a good thing, I think–and I was realizing that my thought process before when feeling anxious or otherwise “negative,” I’d have immediately decided I didn’t want to feel that way any more, and I’d shift my thinking onto something else…
In essence, stuff those scarier, raw-er feelings down inside and avoid feeling them as much as possible.
I don’t think that served me.
I think the surface-most result of that feeling-stuffing has been my inability to write. Not inability full-stop. Obviously. I write this blog every night. I’ve written (literally) hundreds of thousands of words over the past two years…but not words that gave me the joy or clarity I’ve had in the past. And it was because of anxiety. And fear. And self doubt. And feeling unsafe.
I’ve felt very unsafe this week. Emotionally.
And it feels like just letting that feeling surface might be a step in the right direction, as scary as it is.
Working on myself is haaaaarrrddd, yo. Really, really hard.
But fuck…it’s feels right.
Night.