I sometimes wonder if I would be happier if I gave up writing. It’s just so hard.
I’m up against the same block with this story. It’s one central relationship, and I can’t wrap my brain around it, and it makes everything so unpleasant. It sucks the air out of the balloon. And, when I feel like this, I just wonder…is writing worth it?
I recognize that this is anxiety. Maybe depression, too. The combination of those two really feed off of questions like “will I ever” and “what if I never?” It’s not reality, except when I’m going through it.
That’s me trying to put a positive spin on it. I don’t always feel like this. But I have felt like this consistently enough over the past couple years to really take that question seriously: is it worth it?
The other side of me is like: there is absolutely no objective reason that writing has to be such a soul sucking activity. Not all the time. Not even most of the time. I remember a time when it wasn’t like this.
So, what the fuck is wrong?
I need it to change. I need it to get better. And…fuck. It has. It has been better. Which maybe means I’m close. I really fucking hope that’s what it means.
I don’t know how to write this story. I haven’t figured it out. I wonder if I will figure it out.
I miss enjoying the writing. And I know that means something has to change. I’m trying to change. And maybe I took a step toward that today in therapy by recognizing the parallels this story has with complicated, fraught emotions in my real life. But, I realized something in therapy today that makes me wonder if I’ve actually torpedoed this story for reals, that I made a decision that broke this thing. Which, of course means that I can un-break it if I want to. But I chose to go down a road in my story that I realized today I have absolutely no desire to go down in my real life. And if that’s true…CAN I write this story???
I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
It is just a story. It’s not my real life. But, fuck…how do I get back to enjoying myself? Cause feeling like this about my writing is crushing me.