I feel…much better today.
Still anxious. Still unsure. But the depression is better. Thank lord.
I realized something, though, yesterday in the depths of that depression: quitting is an option. I don’t have to do anything. I get to decide. And man…that somehow made me feel a lot better.
What if I’m just not ready to write this particular story? And what if that’s actually okay? What if I’m not a failure if I decide to set this story aside and write other stories?
I…hadn’t considered that with quite as much perspective as I did today. I’ve definitely thought about it, but in the back of my mind, it was failure. It was avoiding the hard work necessary to break through whatever wall I wanted to break through. It was the easy way out. But, what if the easy way out is actually easier?
I don’t know the answer to that question, honestly. I don’t. But I do know that I hadn’t considered that seriously before yesterday and today.
I need books.
I want to be a full-time writer, but in order to be that, I need books. They’re the number one thing I’m missing. And I only have one out, and the second book is killing me right now.
Is it possible that this problem writing this story isn’t just this story, and it actually will bleed over into anything else I try to write? Absolutely. That is definitely possible…but what if it ends up not being true? It’s also possible that my problems with this story ARE specific to this story, and I might be able to unstick myself by working on something else.
It’s a lot to ponder. Thinking about writing something else is a relief. But, really it’s a relief in that I picture it being easier, and being done and the positivity and momentum that comes from having finished something…which isn’t a feeling I’ve had with my writing since I published Starstuff.
All of this is connected to a book I’m reading right now called 2,000 to 10,000, and it’s all about how an author increased her daily word counts by…making sure she was writing what she loved, what made her excited, and what brought her joy. That’s been missing with this story. At least with this relationship.
So…I think that’s my first task with this dynamic: see if I can bring that back into it. And if not, I might just put this book aside and work on other stuff. I have two series candidates at the moment. I might even try writing with someone else.
And that right there, the idea of options and trying new things…THAT makes me feel excited. It makes me feel less helpless. I worry about making a mistake and spinning my wheels, of course, and worse, being deluded…but maybe that is just anxiety talking.