Change is hard.
For some reason, that thought floated into my head just now as I sat down to write this entry. And, it is. Sometimes really hard, because we fight it for so long. And then, it’s not. If we can ever reach the point where we stop fighting, change just is.
I am changing. I don’t know exactly how, to be honest. I don’t feel as though I’ve changed at all, really. But, I think that means I’m fighting it still. I want to change. And, I won’t be obscure about the change I’m referring to…it’s about my writing. About my creativity, and my desire to be a professional. That’s a change I’ve been struggling to find for almost 15 years, and I haven’t quite found it. I’ve fought it, I think. A part of myself has been protecting me from it. I don’t really know why.
My therapist wanted me to journal about that this week, to write and think about what it is I’m afraid of, and I haven’t. I’ve avoided it. It always feels awkward for me to talk about, and so I’d rather not. I guess. And when I do talk about it, it’s in a detached way. An intellectual way.
It’s definitely connected to not being liked. For sure. Or, put another way: fitting in. My way of fitting in or being liked was to be the best at something. The smartest student. Good at baseball. The best writer. The best actor. I worked hard at all those things because I wanted to be liked. Why am I so afraid of being disliked, though? Why is that so terrifying?
I don’t know.
We’ll see what comes up in therapy tomorrow 😂
Great day today. Got to talk with Josh and record our first podcast of the year. Got to watch a bunch of Dark season 2 which, yes I’ve seen before, but not for a while and that show is SO complicated, I didn’t want to watch season 3 without going through at least season 2 to remember what had happened. I made steel cut oats, which take SO LONG to cook, but damn, they’re so good. I love when they pop in your mouth, they’re like little pods of hot goodness.
Okay. Time for sleep, now.
2021 is going to be quite a year. I can feel it already.