Been doing a lot of exploration lately in therapy with why I do things the way I do them, kinda of tracing my current behaviors and habits and thought processes back to the root of where they came from, which is usually childhood. And then we watched the second episode tonight of the Tiger Woods documentary and it made me think about “excellence.”
Excellence was my solution to feeling like an outsider or awkward. I’m not saying that I was often “excellent” then or now, but what I am saying is that the pursuit of excellence was how I tried to fit in, to be adulated or respected.
I was a good student. I acted more like an adult than a kid. I practiced a lot to play baseball better. I practiced DJing or acting or even now with my writing. And I got praised for all that stuff. I still do. It makes up an enormous part of my self-esteem and my confidence.
It’s also the reason why I take so long to do something. I have to analyze it all first, figure out how to do it before actually DOING it. A lot of that time is spent frozen, really. The panic of not knowing how to do something is intense for me, sometimes. It keeps me from letting go.
Watching the Tiger doc made me think of that.
My allergies are absolutely out of control right now. Something is blooming out there and just driving my nose and eyes insane. Hopefully tomorrow brings better air.
That’s all I got for you kids tonight. Have a good sleep! And happy birthday Doctor King (tomorrow)!