I might have reached a critical mass today with the tears. I mean…take that with a giant grain of salt, because grief will surprise you, BUT…the tears don’t seem so close tonight.
I still feel worn out. I still don’t know what to do with myself. And the panic is still in my chest. I don’t know when that’s going to pass, to be honest with you. I remember with my brother it took a long long time. Years. My gut tells me it won’t be that long this time, despite the intensity and depth of how much I miss her, and how much it changes my day to day not having her here.
Russell was…inconceivable. Incomprehensible. Russell was a tragedy that literally changed the world for me, what was possible. It took me a very, very long time to process that shock. Coco…I knew I was going to lose her from the moment I met her. I mean, I didn’t really know that, which I’m only realizing right now, but *intellectually* I knew that we’re destined to outlive our pets. What I grapple with now is the emotional reality of it happening.
Like all great loss, I know now I’m never getting over it. The world will always to be different without her. That corner of my life will always be a little darker; sadness layered in with the memories of joy. But I also know that life must go on. I will survive. Somehow.
We did a thing today. I think it helped. I still feel too shocked and overwhelmed to let the excitement and happiness of what we did wash over me and drench me to the core…but it did come in spurts. In fits and starts. And there was relief there.
Just gonna take a while, y’all.
Love you.