You know, I’ve been dogging it a bit lately on the old blog. Not quite…well, I was going to say “truthful” but that’s not quite it. I’ve been saying what’s on my mind, so it’s not that. But…I think it’s actually more of not realizing where I was at, really. Not thinking about it.
I did today for some reason. I was driving out to Matt King’s birthday party, and I realized that I’ve been struggling with all my “hustle” stuff lately because I feel like I’ve fallen behind. That I’m late. That I’ve squandered this part of the year so far. And because of that, my desire to keep pushing has waned.
Not true. I haven’t squandered my year so far, I’m not late, it hasn’t reached that point yet and it wouldn’t for quite some time…and I can still hustle as much as I goddamn want to for the rest of this year and beyond.
It’s a resistance thing. I wasn’t framing it that way before today, but it is. That feeling of guilt and shame—not only isn’t based in reality…but it’s designed to make me give up. Like I have the past few days. Few weeks, really. My routine being messed up was enough to crack the momentum enough for resistance to come pouring through. Sigh. It keeps happening, even after this many books, even as good as things go. It’s a constant battle. And I know, now, that it always will be in some form or another.
Realizing that helped. I started listening to my audiobook again. Because that was another thing that dropped off in addition to the writing. The reading. Taking care of my face (by that I mean moisturizing and whatnot, something I’m trying finally to get consistent at before I lose ALL my elasticity there). Working out. Working on the yard. All the stuff that takes the extra energy every day. The past couple weeks, it’s been reeeallll hard to do those things, and now I know why. Resistance has me feeling like I’ve lost already.
I haven’t.
I’m going to rest some more tomorrow, Sunday, and then Monday it’s back on. Let’s go. Wish me luck.