We picked up Grand Designs again. The last time we watched it, at least through our Channel 4 account, it was the day Coco died. We put it on after yoga while Coco was at the hospital to pass the time. We were waiting to get a phone call from the internist, to see how she was doing. We got the call, instead, from the ER doctor telling us we needed to come right away.
Ooof. That was a hard day. And, of course, I haven’t wanted to pull up that site again and pick up from where we left off because I knew it was going to remind me of that day, and the guilt I felt about not being out there in Pasadena where the hospital was, not with Coco as she was dying. We made it there in the end, just in time, but still…I’d felt it that day. I’d even thought about driving out there, just to hang around in case, and I do still wish I had. It’s…an odd, hard thing to hang onto needless guilt like that. There was nothing I could do to save Coco, and in the end, saving her is the only thing that would have made me actually feel any better. So, it’s an irrational guilt. But, it fits the hole inside me, I guess. Something has to live there. I don’t let it get out of control, not any more, but there’s no getting rid of it. I’ll always feel guilty about that day. That’s never going to change. I don’t even think I want it to. The only thing I want is Coco back, and, well, that’s not possible.
So…starting up Grand Designs again is hard, but I am glad. I missed the show. I was SO EXCITED at the beginning of 2023 when I realized it was possible to stream the entire library of the show from the Channel 4 website. It’s impossible to rent or buy over half the seasons ANYWHERE. And then, there was the show, in its entirety, on the website. Goldmine. MONTHS of stuff for Liz and I to watch together. It’s one of our very favorite things. It’s why we turned to it when we were so anxious about Coco.
Glad to be watching it again, and making new memories to associate the show with. Not just that one, impossible day.
Night night.