Guys…I totally forgot today was two years to the day that I started this blog. I sat down at 10 minutes to 1am with a few thoughts in mind that I wanted to talk about, including the alt title of this entry…and then I saw that entry number up top and I remembered where I was in the cosmos.
Two years. 730 days. If I had Data or Spock around, I’d ask them how many hours or minutes that is, but that’d be overkill anyway.
It’s hard to believe. Time has flown by, and also passed slow and steady, one blog at a time. It’s an odd marriage of the two perceptions, and I wouldn’t have it without the decision to sit down and write entry #1.
I remember at the time, I thought about doing it for 60 days. Maybe 90 if the first 60 went well. They did go well, those first 60 days, and so did the several 60s that followed…and here we are. I feel like I owe so much of myself to this blog, this ritual exorcism of my daily agonies and triumphs. It’s immensely therapeutic. I can’t recommend it highly enough.
Today was a day out of rhythm. I still did my pages, thanks be to the writing Jesus, but it was otherwise angsty. It started off with a good notes session with a friend on what I’d sent for him to read, and was then filled with a pile of apartment work and preparation for this new work gig I have. I’ll be able to tell you tomorrow, I think, that’s when it becomes official.
So, it’s GOOD angst, guys…for real. Great feedback and a new oppportunity to make money are without question wonderful things…I’m just more aware than ever that change comes with stress, no matter if the changes are good or bad.
I do also have to confess that I’ve been battling the voice in my head all day that’s essentially saying “But, I don’t want to make it better!” This applies to both the new job and the writing, but mostly the writing. Revisions are a mountain, guys. They require time and effort to scale, and there are many false sumits and many fallings-down and getting-back-ups on the trail. It sucks. It’s exhausting, draining, soul-shaking…and every time I come to the point where it’s time to dive back in and fix shit, there’s *always* a voice telling me it’s not worth the effort. I imagine a scenario where my work just stands on its own, immaculate in its conception and flawless in execution; no rewriting necessary.
I doubt that I’m alone in these feelings, and I don’t talk about them flippantly, as if they spring up inside my head and are casually swept aside. Those thoughts take root quite often; they drag me down, and make me question whether or not it’s all worth it. That’s the truth. I’ll say that it’s all okay, that I feel fine, because I know intellectually that it really is okay, I will feel fine, and I’m just at that moment giving into fear…but those are logical thoughts, and not the feelings I can’t control.
I think that’s a major fallacy out there, that we can control our feelings. I don’t think we can. I think we can control our actions and control what we say…but no fucking way do I think we control how we react to things inside our own heads. It’s as involuntary as breathing. But…
But, those moments do not own me. They are not all of me. Emotions are like flares, they can light up the entire sky, but only for a moment. See…I do know what I’m supposed to do, and that’s continue forward one page at a time. That’s all that matters. I do learn from every word I write and rewrite, and every mistake really is a gift from which to learn and to share. If you have these feelings, and I know that you do…I guess I’m just saying I feel you, yo. It’s okay. We don’t have any control over that. It’s what’s on the other side of that feeling that counts.
It’s also what’s on the other side of that blog post that counts 😛 I find it immensely therapeutic on a daily basis to write about what I’m really feeling on these blogs, these journals. My doubts about myself, and my affirmations. When it comes to writing, my solution is very, very simple…just keep writing. Every day. It will cure everything…especially my doubts.
So, here’s to another year, you guys. I have plans, oh do I have plans. I’ll share them once I’ve fleshed them all out, but I am excited. Excited to roll the dice on some chance, and even more excited to create my own destiny. It’s been an *incredible* two years, I feel a lifetime away from where I was on day 1…here’s to feeling a lifetime away from where I am right now on this day next year.
Cheers.