My brother died 10 years ago from a successful suicide attempt.
There hadn’t been any “unsuccessful” attempts before September 19, 2006…but it still feels like using those words is appropriate because there is something about them that seems momentary or impulsive. Russell was 17. I’m newly 34. I can unequivocally say that I knew (almost) *nothing* at age 17. I probably knew more than I remember, but still…it hurts that he left us so suddenly, and so young.
It’s shocking to me that it’s been 10 years. In so many ways, I feel like I’ve been stuck since he died, that I’ve spun my wheels. I’m not sure if that’s the weight of the day pressing down upon me and making it seem like that sentiment is more true than it really is…but that’s what it FEELS like today.
I remember I said once in Dallas Traver’s class that I felt like my life fell apart once I graduated college. I was broke, completely starting over, and my brother died. It was a rough year.
Today is always a rough day. Most every other day, the death of my brother truly, truly reminds me of the good things in life, like family, and purpose, and living in the present…but today, I remember how hard life can be sometimes, and how sad. I wish I had something positive to spin on that, but I don’t. It’s not fair what happened to my brother, and it’s not fair that I’m 34 now and Russell will always be 17. He had so much left to see, and learn.
I guess…THAT is the positive that I can see in all that: life is wonderful. It shows us so much, it teaches us so much. It’s unbeatable when it goes head-to-head with non existence. That sounds so stupid, but I hope you can catch what I’m grasping at there. It’s so sad that Russell will always be 17 because he had so much left to see and learn…which means that life *is* beautiful. I can be sad that he’s missing it, and remind myself that being 34 is a fucking wonderful thing…
…which I don’t mean to say that I’m bemoaning being my age 😛 No…quite the contrary…this birthday was a great one. I’m happy to be 34…happy to have seen the things I’ve seen and believe it or not, happy to have lived through that tough year 10 years ago. It taught me a lot. More than any other year of my life. I don’t know what else to come away with from that than gratitude for the clarity and understanding 2006 showed me of the realities of life.
So, I guess in conclusion: I’m sad my brother is gone. I miss him and I wish things had gone down differently ten years ago. I’m also glad to be here with you, dear reader, and perhaps you can think of my brother Russell today. He was sweet, emotional, always willing to share, loved music and movies, anime especially, he loved video games, girls, reading…he was the best. The best.
I love you Russell. We miss you.
Night, errbody.