There’s a super bloom out in the deserts. Everyone, and I mean eeeevvveeeerrrryyyyoooonnneee is going to go see them. My friend from college posted a status today mocking that very thing, that was on point. Made me chuckle. It was along the lines of imagining how embarrassing it would be to show one’s face at a local Trader Joe’s *without* having gone to see the super bloom. I won’t try to quote it, because it wasn’t my genius: Tim, I salute you.
I’m sure the super bloom is very pretty 😛
You know, I realize I haven’t done a personal check-in on one of these entries in a while…it’s all been very much the day-to-day of my life recently, the logistics of what I did, what I’m doing, and what I need to do next. That’s certainly where *my* head has been lately, trying to juggle all of my various responsibilities.
Life is going to be a smidge bit simpler starting next week…certainly not easier. In fact, I’m expecting to be rather overwhelmed, actually…but it will be simpler. I’m hoping not to be waking up in the mornings basically deciding which of my responsibilities I’m going to have to table for that day because I know I simply won’t be getting to it. But, I’m going to be plunging headlong into writing, which I know from experience is a joyous, anxiety-ridden, and ultimately exhausting pursuit.
Writing “full time” definitely scares me. It also inspires me, there is no doubt…but I know that it scares me because I’ve been feeling rather “numb” lately. At least for the most part. And, I KNOW WHAT THIS IS NOW, now that I’m older: it’s uncertainty. I’m committing myself to doing something new, and for someone who really thrives on routine (that’s me), throwing an existing routine out the window and waiting for a new one to begin feels…well, overwhelming, I guess. And therefore, not real. It’s not real to me until I’ve done something a couple times, until I’ve figured out how it works…until that happens, I feel like I’m kind of floating. Unfocused. Probably a bit depressed, or at least tense from the anxiety.
That’s how I feel, how I’ve felt over the past month or so…which is probably why I haven’t checked in on these entries much, or really talked about my feelings. I don’t know, maybe that’s not accurate, maybe I have done that. I just know that my feelings are a bit inaccessible at the moment. Except in spurts when they push through.
Now, that isn’t to say that it’s affected my overall/general mood in an adverse way. It really hasn’t. I really mean its effect is in connection to my work and my daily routines. My emotional life in other regards is totally healthy. Genuinely. Couldn’t be happier. Life is good. This angst is really segmented to the part of my identity that has to do with productivity and creativity. It’s not insignificant…but it’s not all of me either.
So, yeah…I guess tonight I just wanted to confess to the uneasiness and nervousness that I know I’m experiencing, and also remind myself that I know what it is, and I know it will pass as soon as I travel down this new road a bit in a few weeks. I’ve been here before. And that does make me feel a bit better, to be honest.
Thanks for listening. I can’t help but feel like these kind of entries are even more self-indulgent than the regular Incrediblog entry…but they do always help make me feel better or clearer. Tonight included.
I hope you’re checking in with yourself, too. Being truth about the way we feel is always the first step towards doing something about it — this blog has definitely taught me that over the past couple years.
It’s time for the sleeps. The Ho has some Starstuff notes for me to write out. Let’s do this!
Artwork tonight is from David Mattingly.