It’s tough when you don’t feel good. I don’t feel like those words quite adequately express what I want them to, but they’re all the words I seem to have right now, and honesty is more important than eloquence.
I have the feeling that I haven’t been always honest with my blog posts over the past few months, or year.
Part of that is I’m good at keeping my spirits up, and letting go–at least for a night’s sleep–of my worries and anxiety. Ie- by the time I sit down and write these entries, I’m usually feeling better, even if I had an off day.
I feel like that right now. Better. Looking forward to sleep.
Part of it though is the act of psyching myself up; and it is an act. It’s not the whole truth.
The truth is that I’ve been struggling. For nearly two years, I’ve been struggling and I haven’t been able to pull myself out of it, not fully, using any of the existing life skills and systems and techniques I’ve acquired up to this point.
In therapy today, “lost” is the word I used most often, and it most honestly if not quite eloquently explains how I’m feeling.
I don’t know what to do.
Today was rough. I’m sitting, fully sitting, with the darkness inside me. Perhaps I’ve been ignoring it for too long. Perhaps I’ve been letting it grow in my ignorance.
Dark thoughts are scary.
For me, thankfully, they don’t extend past my creativity. At least not right now. But that’s scary enough for me. Creativity, or storytelling specifically, is a massive part of my identity, and my struggles with my writing strike to the very core of who I am and the worth I place on myself and the very thoughts I think every day. And when depression has voices in my head like “you should give up, this is never going to get any better, you can’t do this, so why even try…you should give up?” Well…that’s some pretty dark shit for me. That feels about as dark and low as I’ve ever gone with those voices, and I had those voices this week. Today, even.
Most of the time, they range in the I-worry-I’ll-never-figure-this-out range. And that’s also bad enough as it is.
It’s just…bad right now.
I’m struggling.
I just felt like I wanted to be fully and completely honest on this blog about it. That’s why I do this thing; to be honest with whoever reads it, and therefor honest with myself.
I hope I read this again some day from a much better place, a happier and healthier place.
Right now, it’s really, really hard to see that place, and actually believe that it’s real. But I’m trying.
I hope a slow day tomorrow helps lower the volume on such dark drudgery. Slow days usually bring anxiety, but they also bring rest.
I’m going to rest, now.