I have a cycle I run through whenever I get depressed. I’ve just recently realized it.
I get anxious about something until it builds to some kind of breaking point. After that, I feel depressed, and my mind and body go into shutdown/recovery mode. I take a break…
And then I feel better.
My body resets. My mind clears, and the anxiety and depression dissipate because I’ve stepped away from what made me feel that way in the first place.
I have absolutely no idea if this is a healthy cycle–I’ll ask my therapist about that next weekend!–but it is my cycle.
I’m on the very last phase of that today.
I took a day off. Truly off. I slept. I watched baseball. I did a couple very minor non-anxiety-inducing tasks, and I just let the others fall to the wayside for the day. And it worked. I genuinely feel better.
Those dark thoughts aren’t there right now. At least not where I can hear them.
It’s observing cycles like this that make me wonder if there is something chemical that I deal with in times like these. I wonder if I should talk to a psychiatrist about antidepressants. I’ve never thought of myself as being a particularly depressed person, but maybe that was me “just getting along.” Maybe that was me ignoring what’s truly going on.
Maybe.
That’s what’s amazing about doctors: they’re trained professionals who can offer very insightful, objective feedback on rather complex issues. They’re not a magic bullet, and they’re not magicians. Medicine’s ability to “heal” is always more limited than we’d like to believe…but they’re as close as we can get, ya know? They’re the best effort we have.
I go back to work tomorrow. And back to the writing.
I keep moving forward, trying to learn more about myself, trying to be healthier, and trying to really wrap my mind around this writing thing, because I really, truly love it, and I want to be happy doing it, to succeed doing it, to thrive.
The possibility of that feels within reach today, and that’s a good day. A better day.
Good night!