I love how Coco leans up against me.
She wants me close. I protect her. She knows if she touches me, she’s safe.
Coops needs to be near me, but he doesn’t need to touch me. Coco needs the physical contact.
It’s very endearing.
I’m beating myself up right now. Sigh. Nothing too bad, but it is what’s running through my head right now.
I had an interaction today with someone I work with (nobody at Netflix…other work stuff) that I knew going into the interaction wasn’t going to do anything positive. Not for them. Not for me. Not for our working relationship.
But, I engaged anyway.
I just get so frustrated. This isn’t a person I have a particularly good working relationship with, and I’ve tried to improve that by engaging them before, but it’s never worked. The last time I talked to them about the issues, I left with a better understanding of who they were as a person, and what the limitations were going to be to our relationship.
Ie-…it wasn’t going to get better.
That’s something I really, really struggle with, the notion that something isn’t going to change when I want it to. I have a really hard time accepting such things as an ongoing part of my life, something that I have to face day in and day out. It wears me down.
But, it’s always worse for me when I engage, when I speak out and try to change things. And writing it out tonight, it’s very clear why: because it’s a stark reminder that things aren’t going to change.
I spoke out today. I pushed back. And…more than just flat-out regret it, I feel torn.
Because it feels good to push back. When I’m getting pushed, pushing back feels right. It feels like the truth instead of a lie. And things usually do get better for a little bit. A little bit. And then they slip back into what they were before…until I feel like pushing back again.
That’s an abusive cycle right there.
I know this.
That’s the other half of me, the logical, rational part of my brain. Hence feeling torn. I know it’s just part of the cycle. That ignoring it completely is always the best way to go.
But, it’s hard.