Therapy was intense today.
I talked about my biological father, a man I’ve never met. It’s…a very uncomfortable subject, I’m realizing. Something that I’ve really avoided thinking about or talking about most of my life. And I think it’s affecting my writing. There are a lot of parallels and similarities to what my main character is going through in this second book and, well, aspects of my own life. Definitely not the same, but shades of it for sure.
Anyway…it honestly makes me really uncomfortable even writing about it. My reaction to it, I realize, is to kind of shut down and close off…which is exactly what happens with my writing. It’s the same reaction. I’m hoping that by talking about it and digging into it I can kinda unfreeze that part of me.
But deep down, having a biological father who was never a part of my life makes me feel unwanted and unworthy. Maybe there’s more to it than that, maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ve been so afraid to feel that, I’ve pushed it away so hard it’s infected other parts of my life. I don’t know, right now. I think that’s going to take time to figure out. But, what I do know is that it makes me really, really uncomfortable. And scared. And panic. It feels like panic.
I’m going to sit with those feelings for a little while, I think. See what comes up.
So, that was this morning.
Then, I went to Ikea and I got myself a small desktop that I can do modeling on. It might be too big. But, even if it is, I think I might just get rid of this shelf to make it fit rather than taking it back for a smaller size (which they do have in this same style). I think I want the room to work on. We’ll see.
Last thing we did tonight was go out for Korean barbecue with Adam and Joanna. Liz worked with Adam on Merry Happy Whatever which comes out NEXT WEEK holy crap! So exciting. Dinner with them was wonderful.
Coco is snugged right up against my arm while I write this. She has been SO soooo snuggly lately. I think it’s because it’s cool. And because she loves me.
That’s all for tonight. See you crazy kids tomorrow.